Triune Systems2


The problem of projection

posted by Triune Systems    |   October 11, 2017 16:21

Our partners are those who are the closest to us and see us the most regularly in our day-to-day lives.  You would think that people would treat their life partners with the utmost respect, kindness, and love…and prioritize them above everything else.  But, this type of relationship is more the exception than the rule.  

Rather, we tend to project our insecurities all over our partners.  Projection means to externalize the stuff going on within ourselves and to throw it onto our partner as if it belonged to our partner and not us.  We blame our partner for our bad feeling, or our feeling of boredom with life, or the problems we’re experiencing.  We often rationalize this to ourselves and believe our projections as if they are true. 

It’s only after people end their relationship and enter another relationship with a new partner that they see the problem follows them around.  That’s because the problem is actually something that is unresolved within them and didn’t have a lot to do with their partner at all. 

Of course, when you project your unresolved stuff onto your partner…which is primarily very negative in content, it causes them to react with their own negativity.  No one likes to be negatively focused on or be told they are the problem.  Most people don’t take projection well. 


The more you can own your unresolved stuff and make consistent efforts to deal with it, the less you will project onto your partner.  It’s when we take responsibility for our own feelings, reactions, and unresolved stuff, that the door opens for true connection and intimacy in our relationships.